So last night I was a wreck. I had gotten so stressed out that the muscles in my chest, neck , shoulders and back were tight. I was really emotional, and was hearing Satan's lies once again. But for some reason when I get to that place I just don't seem to decipher it as lies from Stan anymore, and I believe that what I am hearing is true about me. The thing that I usually hear is that I am such a screw-up, and that everything that I do and own and am responsible for gets ruined. But for real? There is no way that can possibly be true! So, I had gotten myself backed into another corner of feeling total worthlessness. It was painful, because Satan was giving me real examples from my life this week of why what he was saying could be true. One of the examples is that because of this East coast snowstorm we had icy roads, and I slid into a stop sign a couple of days ago. It scratched up the side of my car and completely knocked off my side mirror. But really.... come on, does that make the statement "I am a total failure and everything I do gets screwed up? Ummm.... no not really!! Plus when I refer back to my source of truth I can see that God does not see my mistakes asmy value. He values me so much more than I could ever imagine!
My sister-in-law Melissa gave me the advice of Journaling in a way that is prayerful, and so I have gotten into journal prayer. It really helps me to focus because I am writing and I am thinking about my feelings and emotions and am able to flesh them out in a way and really see how silly the things that I think about myself are! But last night I convinced myself that I didn't need to journal and that I was fine, even though I wasn't. So this morning when I woke up still feeling stressed, God brought to my attention that I can spend time journaling and telling Him about my "stuff" instead of worrying about it and then it will also allow me to have a deeper relationship with Jesus in the process! So, I stopped hesitating and I got my Journal out! I wrote all of the ridiculous thoughts out about my feelings of why I felt worthless today, and when I did God brought to my attention the verse:
1 Samuel 16:7 (MSG)
" But God told Samuel, “Looks aren't everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks and stature. I’ve already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”
In other words, I can see all the bad stuff that I do, all the ugliness that is in me (because there is ugly in the mistakes and sins that I do), but God will never look at me and see that. He will always see his beautiful creation, and the heart of worth that He placed within me. I need to learn to see this within myself, and the first step is acknowledging that God sees worth in me!
1 Samuel 16:7 (MSG)
" But God told Samuel, “Looks aren't everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks and stature. I’ve already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”
In other words, I can see all the bad stuff that I do, all the ugliness that is in me (because there is ugly in the mistakes and sins that I do), but God will never look at me and see that. He will always see his beautiful creation, and the heart of worth that He placed within me. I need to learn to see this within myself, and the first step is acknowledging that God sees worth in me!