Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend some time at home with my kids, and relax while the snow hit us. I also had some time to think and reflect on how far the boys and I have come. I wrote a short version of my history in a previous blog post, but it was after I made the decision to leave, to protect my children and myself, that I started feeling the hurt of change. Standing at the point I'm at now, and looking back, I know I'm not who I was back then! God brought me through so may changes during that time of hurt, and I am so much better because of it!
Next week it will have been 4 years since I left my abusive husband. I am so very thankful that my sons and I have made it this far, and I am so proud of how the three of us have grown. You see, when I left Danny, my oldest son was about to turn 1 year old, and I was around three months pregnant. The day I left Danny strangled me and threw me across the room saying "You made me do this. If you had treated me respectfully I would not have had to hurt you." I don't know how, but I was stronger than I had ever been, and I held myself together. The only explanation is that God was standing there with me that day, and whispered encouragement to me. I changed my clothes, and told Danny that I was going to clean my sons room. I waited for him to check on me (as I knew he would) and then a plan came to me (again glory to God). I grabbed my sons diaper bag from the living room, and filled it with all the diapers we had, and some clothes for him. I picked up my very nervous son, and listened closely for Danny. I heard him running the water in the bathroom at the end of the house. Thankfully, we had been keeping the car keys on a hook next to the door, so I crept out of my sons room and slowly lifted the keys off of the hook so they would not make a sound. I paused, listening for Danny, but I still heard the water running. Holding my son on one hip, I slowly turned the handle of the front door, then I opened it carefully, and only shut it slightly behind me as I ran down the stairs and across the front yard for the car. I got in the car. Knowing I didn't have time to buckle my son in his car seat, I sat him in the seat next to mine and started the car with my hands shaking. I knew Danny would have heard the car start, so I pushed the gas down, and tried to leave, but I was stuck in the mud. I prayed "Please Lord help me escape." Somehow I knew at that moment how to get the car unstuck, I turned the wheel, threw the car in reverse, and got it out of the mud. I put the car in drive, and tore down the long driveway, with Danny running after me in the rear-view-mirror. I turned onto the main road and drove around the corner to the deacons house. I pulled in their driveway, and knocked on the door, but no one was home. I knew I couldn't stay there long, because even on foot Danny could catch up to me quickly since I was less than a mile from our house. I buckled my son in his car seat, and calmed his cries as best as I could with jittery hands, and I got back in the drivers seat, and started to formulate my plan. My gas thank was on empty, and the gas light turned on. "Please Lord let me get safe" I pleaded.
A few weeks later, after staying with some of Danny's family, my family came and brought my son and I to live with them. Over the next few months Danny called, emailed, and send letters to me, all of them loaded with threats and manipulation. Every day I lived in fear wondering if Danny would one day come to where I was living and try to kill us. Every night I woke up from violent nightmares that Danny was there, sneaking in, or stealing my son from his bed at night. I was terrified. I could barely function because of the fear consuming me every day and couldn't sleep because of the fear of another nightmare. I would not talk unless someone asked me something, and I had an expression permanently tattooed on my face. I wouldn't eat unless someone offered me something, and when I cried I had to wait and ask if I could have a tissue before I would use it. I hid knives in high places throughout the house, sat in places where I could not be seen from the windows, and hid in the closet whenever I heard any noise. I was damaged, completely broken, and lost.
The Lord came and loved me. Jesus found me and revitalized my heart as I hid in closets, and slept with knives under my pillow. He came to me where I was and walked with me through the most terrible, heart breaking things that I've ever experienced. When I was unconsolable Jesus came to me, comforted me, and made me stronger than I had ever been before.
One night, I read a verse about being safe while I slept, and I read it every night for years as a reminder that God would keep me safe. I didn't have to stay awake to make sure my children were safe anymore, God would do that job while I rested.
Next week it will have been 4 years since I left my abusive husband. I am so very thankful that my sons and I have made it this far, and I am so proud of how the three of us have grown. You see, when I left Danny, my oldest son was about to turn 1 year old, and I was around three months pregnant. The day I left Danny strangled me and threw me across the room saying "You made me do this. If you had treated me respectfully I would not have had to hurt you." I don't know how, but I was stronger than I had ever been, and I held myself together. The only explanation is that God was standing there with me that day, and whispered encouragement to me. I changed my clothes, and told Danny that I was going to clean my sons room. I waited for him to check on me (as I knew he would) and then a plan came to me (again glory to God). I grabbed my sons diaper bag from the living room, and filled it with all the diapers we had, and some clothes for him. I picked up my very nervous son, and listened closely for Danny. I heard him running the water in the bathroom at the end of the house. Thankfully, we had been keeping the car keys on a hook next to the door, so I crept out of my sons room and slowly lifted the keys off of the hook so they would not make a sound. I paused, listening for Danny, but I still heard the water running. Holding my son on one hip, I slowly turned the handle of the front door, then I opened it carefully, and only shut it slightly behind me as I ran down the stairs and across the front yard for the car. I got in the car. Knowing I didn't have time to buckle my son in his car seat, I sat him in the seat next to mine and started the car with my hands shaking. I knew Danny would have heard the car start, so I pushed the gas down, and tried to leave, but I was stuck in the mud. I prayed "Please Lord help me escape." Somehow I knew at that moment how to get the car unstuck, I turned the wheel, threw the car in reverse, and got it out of the mud. I put the car in drive, and tore down the long driveway, with Danny running after me in the rear-view-mirror. I turned onto the main road and drove around the corner to the deacons house. I pulled in their driveway, and knocked on the door, but no one was home. I knew I couldn't stay there long, because even on foot Danny could catch up to me quickly since I was less than a mile from our house. I buckled my son in his car seat, and calmed his cries as best as I could with jittery hands, and I got back in the drivers seat, and started to formulate my plan. My gas thank was on empty, and the gas light turned on. "Please Lord let me get safe" I pleaded.
A few weeks later, after staying with some of Danny's family, my family came and brought my son and I to live with them. Over the next few months Danny called, emailed, and send letters to me, all of them loaded with threats and manipulation. Every day I lived in fear wondering if Danny would one day come to where I was living and try to kill us. Every night I woke up from violent nightmares that Danny was there, sneaking in, or stealing my son from his bed at night. I was terrified. I could barely function because of the fear consuming me every day and couldn't sleep because of the fear of another nightmare. I would not talk unless someone asked me something, and I had an expression permanently tattooed on my face. I wouldn't eat unless someone offered me something, and when I cried I had to wait and ask if I could have a tissue before I would use it. I hid knives in high places throughout the house, sat in places where I could not be seen from the windows, and hid in the closet whenever I heard any noise. I was damaged, completely broken, and lost.
The Lord came and loved me. Jesus found me and revitalized my heart as I hid in closets, and slept with knives under my pillow. He came to me where I was and walked with me through the most terrible, heart breaking things that I've ever experienced. When I was unconsolable Jesus came to me, comforted me, and made me stronger than I had ever been before.
One night, I read a verse about being safe while I slept, and I read it every night for years as a reminder that God would keep me safe. I didn't have to stay awake to make sure my children were safe anymore, God would do that job while I rested.
Psalm 4:8
(AMP) In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust.
(MSG) At day’s end I’m ready for sound sleep,For you, God, have put my life back together.
(TLB) I will lie down in peace and sleep, for though I am alone, O Lord, you will keep me safe.
(NIV) In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
(AMP) In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust.
(MSG) At day’s end I’m ready for sound sleep,For you, God, have put my life back together.
(TLB) I will lie down in peace and sleep, for though I am alone, O Lord, you will keep me safe.
(NIV) In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
I still struggle sometimes with fear. I still doubt at times whether or not God is still keeping me safe. But I always have a reminder that God is with me Always! He will never leave my side.
"Your God is striding ahead of you, He's right there with you, He won't leave you." Deuteronomy 31:6
It has taken some time to get to the place where I trust that God has my day in His hands, and that no matter what happens, we are safe! I still know the sound of each kind of truck as it passes by my house. I still watch for strange circumstances, and think through scenarios while I am waiting in line at a checkout. And I still worry about whether Danny will find me on Facebook and locate where I am. But whenever these fears come into my mind, I know I can hand them over to the one who holds everything and is in control over everything that comes into my life. Now I can be thankful for my safety, and thankful for the care that God provides me each day. Jesus loves me so much, and He will always grant me perfect peace if I ask Him, and allow Him to. I'm choosing to let Jesus love me!
The day that I left 4 years ago, and was safe as I fled is all the doing of God. Without Him I would never have left, and would have kept believing that it was my fault. But because I am more important to Jesus than the flowers or the birds that he takes care of so well, He put an action plan in my mind, and I will never forget the courage I felt that day. Glory to you God! The maker of safety!
#imnotwhoiwas #safe #domesticviolence #endthesilence #fear #glorytogod
"Your God is striding ahead of you, He's right there with you, He won't leave you." Deuteronomy 31:6
It has taken some time to get to the place where I trust that God has my day in His hands, and that no matter what happens, we are safe! I still know the sound of each kind of truck as it passes by my house. I still watch for strange circumstances, and think through scenarios while I am waiting in line at a checkout. And I still worry about whether Danny will find me on Facebook and locate where I am. But whenever these fears come into my mind, I know I can hand them over to the one who holds everything and is in control over everything that comes into my life. Now I can be thankful for my safety, and thankful for the care that God provides me each day. Jesus loves me so much, and He will always grant me perfect peace if I ask Him, and allow Him to. I'm choosing to let Jesus love me!
The day that I left 4 years ago, and was safe as I fled is all the doing of God. Without Him I would never have left, and would have kept believing that it was my fault. But because I am more important to Jesus than the flowers or the birds that he takes care of so well, He put an action plan in my mind, and I will never forget the courage I felt that day. Glory to you God! The maker of safety!
#imnotwhoiwas #safe #domesticviolence #endthesilence #fear #glorytogod