My heart has taken a beating, its been cut and broken until it turned black and blue. But my heart has known the deepest pain that any person experiences through abuse. Though it is difficult for me to share this story with you, I know that God wants to use my story to help others be restored.
I have shared with you all a lot of my abuse story, and my journey of letting Jesus love me. But I've struggled very much with sharing my sexual abuse story. I have felt so ugly on the inside and tried to force myself to believe that what happened to me was not really abuse, or that it was no big deal. But the reality is that something was stolen from me through what I experienced, and it was in fact abuse.
When I married Danny, I had saved myself for marriage, I was a virgin in every sense of the word. Like any bride, I gave my heart and my trust over to my husband. But from day one I was left wondering if I was going to be living this terrible existence for the rest of my life. After my "first time" I remember laying down resting and feeling like I had just had some sort of surgery. I was bleeding, and not only was I sore, but I felt like I had been cut with a razor blade. I dreaded the next time that Danny would approach me for sex and I tried desperately to move past what had happened. In my mind I tried to convince myself that maybe its normal for the first time to be painful and that it would get better. But each time it only became worse.
One day Danny brought me into a small bedroom in his parents basement. He told me to sit up with my back against the head board. Danny forced himself down my throat and became very violent. I couldn't breath and so I started trying to push him away from me but it made him enraged. He continued doing what he had started until I became light headed and almost blacked out.
After that Danny's power and control tactics only amplified each time. On a daily basis Danny was raping me so violently that I would bleed. I was so tortured on the inside that all I could do was cry. If I didn't lay still, if I cried, or if I didn't do what I was told I received an even more brutal consequence. Danny took it to a whole new level and began to say demeaning things to me, telling me how disgusting I was to him.
I became like a robot. My mind was trapped in another world, a place where survival was the only end game. My heart was so broken, and everything that had been part of who I was had vanished. There was no longer a smile on my face. No joy in my heart. I knew that if I tried to tell someone about what was going on, they wouldn't understand. I was completely powerless, and my heart stopped trying to cry out for help. I just became numb to everything that was going on.
When I gave birth to my first son the midwife noticed my cringing face when she was examining me, I was just hoping there was no signs of what had happened to me. I had an issue with my child birth where I lost too much blood, and continued to bleed too much. But the day after my son was born Danny still abused me, to the point where I began to loose so much blood that I fell down when I tried to walk to the bathroom.
There are so many times that I was abused and humiliated by Danny. But I am so thankful that today I can stand victoriously knowing that what happened to me does not define me. The abuse that I endured, is no longer happening, and I am free because of the power of Jesus in my life!
Though my body suffered some injuries, it was my heart that was shattered. My heart was destroyed, empty, in fact it felt like it had been sliced and diced, it was so painful. But God hates abuse! He hated seeing me suffer, and He rescued me from my imprisonment.
I have shared with you all a lot of my abuse story, and my journey of letting Jesus love me. But I've struggled very much with sharing my sexual abuse story. I have felt so ugly on the inside and tried to force myself to believe that what happened to me was not really abuse, or that it was no big deal. But the reality is that something was stolen from me through what I experienced, and it was in fact abuse.
When I married Danny, I had saved myself for marriage, I was a virgin in every sense of the word. Like any bride, I gave my heart and my trust over to my husband. But from day one I was left wondering if I was going to be living this terrible existence for the rest of my life. After my "first time" I remember laying down resting and feeling like I had just had some sort of surgery. I was bleeding, and not only was I sore, but I felt like I had been cut with a razor blade. I dreaded the next time that Danny would approach me for sex and I tried desperately to move past what had happened. In my mind I tried to convince myself that maybe its normal for the first time to be painful and that it would get better. But each time it only became worse.
One day Danny brought me into a small bedroom in his parents basement. He told me to sit up with my back against the head board. Danny forced himself down my throat and became very violent. I couldn't breath and so I started trying to push him away from me but it made him enraged. He continued doing what he had started until I became light headed and almost blacked out.
After that Danny's power and control tactics only amplified each time. On a daily basis Danny was raping me so violently that I would bleed. I was so tortured on the inside that all I could do was cry. If I didn't lay still, if I cried, or if I didn't do what I was told I received an even more brutal consequence. Danny took it to a whole new level and began to say demeaning things to me, telling me how disgusting I was to him.
I became like a robot. My mind was trapped in another world, a place where survival was the only end game. My heart was so broken, and everything that had been part of who I was had vanished. There was no longer a smile on my face. No joy in my heart. I knew that if I tried to tell someone about what was going on, they wouldn't understand. I was completely powerless, and my heart stopped trying to cry out for help. I just became numb to everything that was going on.
When I gave birth to my first son the midwife noticed my cringing face when she was examining me, I was just hoping there was no signs of what had happened to me. I had an issue with my child birth where I lost too much blood, and continued to bleed too much. But the day after my son was born Danny still abused me, to the point where I began to loose so much blood that I fell down when I tried to walk to the bathroom.
There are so many times that I was abused and humiliated by Danny. But I am so thankful that today I can stand victoriously knowing that what happened to me does not define me. The abuse that I endured, is no longer happening, and I am free because of the power of Jesus in my life!
Though my body suffered some injuries, it was my heart that was shattered. My heart was destroyed, empty, in fact it felt like it had been sliced and diced, it was so painful. But God hates abuse! He hated seeing me suffer, and He rescued me from my imprisonment.
The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The lord is close to the broken hearted; He rescues whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. Psalm 34:17-19 (NLT)
When I was trapped in this place of abuse and humiliation and worthlessness, Danny was the most powerful enemy that I had ever faced. I felt helpless and weak, and I needed someone to come and rescue me. I was unable to even ask for help, but God heard my wrecked heart and came running to rescue me!
He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me. 2 Samuel 22:17-20
I have been safe for about 4 and a half years now, and its only because of the rescuing hand of God! If you would like to read the story of how I left and got safe you can read it here. But it's by the blood of Jesus that my heart was restored. I never thought about it until I attended an encounter weekend at my church, but Jesus died of a broken heart. After he had bled in so many other ways, was nailed to the cross and suffered there, the roman soldiers then took a spear and pierced his side (John 19:34). When they did blood and water came pouring out which is proven to mean that medically his heart burst. Water and blood only separates in the body when the heart is destroyed. Jesus heart literally broke for you so that your heart could be restored.
Don't choose to stay trapped. Jesus can help restore you to a whole person again. If you've been raped, whether it be through an abusive marriage or relationship, or whether it was an isolated event, Jesus can take all the broken pieces of your heart and not just sew them back together... but He will give you a new heart! One that is perfect, and doesn't show the scars of the past, or beat differently because of being fearful of getting hurt. He will make you completely new!
Don't choose to stay trapped. Jesus can help restore you to a whole person again. If you've been raped, whether it be through an abusive marriage or relationship, or whether it was an isolated event, Jesus can take all the broken pieces of your heart and not just sew them back together... but He will give you a new heart! One that is perfect, and doesn't show the scars of the past, or beat differently because of being fearful of getting hurt. He will make you completely new!
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17
Father I thank you for all that have done for me. I thank you that you were willing to come and rescue me out of my abusive marriage. I thank you for protecting me from being badly hurt or killed. Right now father I ask that you would stir the hearts of the abused. Father pick up the peaces of the hearts of those who have experienced sexual abuse or rape. Let them give their hearts to you, restore them father, give them a new heart so that they can be transformed and no longer have to live in the land of broken imprisonment. If they don't know you father, I pray that you would draw them close to you that they may heave eternal life and experience the peace and joy that comes from you Lord! I pray that you would use my story, and that you would gather the broken under your wings father God. I love you and Jesus I am so thankful for your willing sacrifice. I pray all of these things in the name of Jesus. Amen!