Over the past few months I have been tested and tried. My past that I thought I was slowly escaping came creeping back in, and caused me to have to deal with feelings, emotions, and memories that I had pushed back in my mind for years. It caused me to have to "stand and fight" against the dangers of my past.
My ex husband Danny came and visited my home, which I wrote about in a post a few weeks ago called The Victim. Since then I have been to the courthouse three times, and each time was a different kind of fear to confront. Something every victim fears is seeing their abuser again and I knew, the first time I went to the courthouse, that Danny could be waiting there for me when I walked through the doors. But I prayed that God would grant me what I desired, I prayed the promise that Jesus made that anything we ask in Jesus name as long as it will glorify God it will be granted, and then I prayed that I know God's will is what is best for me, and that I would submit to it.
The second time I went I was as cool as a cucumber. Before I got to the courthouse I prayed out loud about the day. For the first time I was able to sit in the courthouse with a smile on my face and joy in my heart knowing that God will never, not ever, let me down! He's got my back!
The third time I entered the courthouse was the only time that I had representation, and that was the only time that I got worried, not because I didn't trust God, but because I didn't trust the human being that was going to be helping me. I knew that she knows her stuff, I knew that she had helped me before and that everything turned out alright. It really came down to wanting to be in control of the situation. So, though my jitters I prayed that God's will be done. This time I did pray for my specific desire to be the outcome, but the prayer I kept uttering over and over while waiting to go into the courtroom was that God would cover the whole thing with his blessing, and that His will would reign out.
When it was time to go into the courtroom I started to feel shaky; after all this judge was holding my future and my children's future in their hands. But then the words of a wise confidant came to mind: "God is the ultimate judge who has power and control over everything and everyone. It is his will and his decision that will be handed down, not the judge." A sense of calm came over me and I was able to have a clear mind knowing that it was God who was in control of what was happening that day!
My ex husband Danny came and visited my home, which I wrote about in a post a few weeks ago called The Victim. Since then I have been to the courthouse three times, and each time was a different kind of fear to confront. Something every victim fears is seeing their abuser again and I knew, the first time I went to the courthouse, that Danny could be waiting there for me when I walked through the doors. But I prayed that God would grant me what I desired, I prayed the promise that Jesus made that anything we ask in Jesus name as long as it will glorify God it will be granted, and then I prayed that I know God's will is what is best for me, and that I would submit to it.
The second time I went I was as cool as a cucumber. Before I got to the courthouse I prayed out loud about the day. For the first time I was able to sit in the courthouse with a smile on my face and joy in my heart knowing that God will never, not ever, let me down! He's got my back!
The third time I entered the courthouse was the only time that I had representation, and that was the only time that I got worried, not because I didn't trust God, but because I didn't trust the human being that was going to be helping me. I knew that she knows her stuff, I knew that she had helped me before and that everything turned out alright. It really came down to wanting to be in control of the situation. So, though my jitters I prayed that God's will be done. This time I did pray for my specific desire to be the outcome, but the prayer I kept uttering over and over while waiting to go into the courtroom was that God would cover the whole thing with his blessing, and that His will would reign out.
When it was time to go into the courtroom I started to feel shaky; after all this judge was holding my future and my children's future in their hands. But then the words of a wise confidant came to mind: "God is the ultimate judge who has power and control over everything and everyone. It is his will and his decision that will be handed down, not the judge." A sense of calm came over me and I was able to have a clear mind knowing that it was God who was in control of what was happening that day!
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' - 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)
For the last several years what my boys and I have gone through have become historical facts to me that I can recite without feeling weak, and without shedding a tear. So when it was time to give my testimony to the court I thought for sure that I had this, this was a piece of cake. But when I was asked to go into detail about events that occurred while I was in this abusive relationship, and after I left, I broke down and cried. Not just a tear being shed here or there that I could wipe away; I wept a deep hurtful cry remembering that these events were real and how they made me feel when I was dealing with them, and thinking of how I never ever want my sons or myself to have to handle that again. I lamented that day, and was physically affected by the things I recalled.
These events will always be true, I may be able to recite some of them as facts, and I may be able to sum my domestic violence past in short stories without falling to my knees, but these things really happened to me. The thing is that now I have the opportunity to rejoice, and thank God each day for what he saved me from! He gave me the victory, and I cannot keep quiet about it!
Each and every time that I went into the court room I received not only what I asked for, but above and beyond! God granted more... way more than I could have ever asked for or conceived in my mind. To God be the glory for every single step that was taken and every answered prayer throughout this whole process!
There are many songs that when I hear them the holy spirit speaks to my heart about. But one of them is an anthem which I have adopted for my life. It is one that cancels out all the fear and trembling that comes with PTSD, and the afteraffects of domestic violence!
These events will always be true, I may be able to recite some of them as facts, and I may be able to sum my domestic violence past in short stories without falling to my knees, but these things really happened to me. The thing is that now I have the opportunity to rejoice, and thank God each day for what he saved me from! He gave me the victory, and I cannot keep quiet about it!
Each and every time that I went into the court room I received not only what I asked for, but above and beyond! God granted more... way more than I could have ever asked for or conceived in my mind. To God be the glory for every single step that was taken and every answered prayer throughout this whole process!
There are many songs that when I hear them the holy spirit speaks to my heart about. But one of them is an anthem which I have adopted for my life. It is one that cancels out all the fear and trembling that comes with PTSD, and the afteraffects of domestic violence!
I'd love like I'm not scared | |
Father God, I come before you with a thankful heart! I know that you are the king over all things, and that nothing happens without you! I thank you for bringing me out of the abuse that I endured and I thank you for growing me to this point! Father I ask that you would take my hand and draw me closer to you than I have ever been before. Father I pray for those who are reading this that you would take hold of their hearts. Help them father to seek help, and first to seek you. You alone are the reason I can stand firm now, use this post to guide their hearts. Keep all those who are being abused safe tonight father. No task is too large for you my God! Help us to approach each day anticipating your victory through it, and let us step up to do what you ask of us. I love you Lord with all of my heart, and i trust you with it! In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.