After I married Danny, everything changed. In our early marriage I would turn the radio on and begin to sing along, but Danny would shut it off. I didn't question it, I went with it, "sure we can have the radio off, no problem!" Naturally, I kept singing along to the radio whenever it was on, and Danny began to not only shut the radio off but to tell me "I hate it when you sing, you sound awful!" My heart was broken! From that day on I was conscious of singing in the car, I resisted my God-given, urge to praise Him, and my heart broke more and more each time. But then it got worse. The church we were attending would have 1 contemporary service each month, and of course I loved it! They sang songs that I knew and could pour my heart into. Until one Sunday Danny leaned over to me during worship and said "I hate the way you sing, you have to stop, you're embarrassing yourself." For the rest of the service, I sat totally rigid. I didn't hear anything that the pastor said, my heart was a mess and so was my head! After that we never went to contemporary Sunday again!
Some of you know from my previous blog posts that Danny was very abusive, in every meaning of the word. But being abusive starts with manipulation and control. Abusers tend to take things from you without you even noticing. They follow the standard magicians rule of thumb, distract with one hand and trick with the other. Danny would charm me, and spew bible verses, mostly he would just talk so very much that my mind was always spinning. While he was stealing the foundation of who I was little by little until there was nothing left but an empty me.
After I left Danny, I would never sing. Not one note would come from my mouth. My father (who was at one time a professional singer and taught me to sing) would ask me why I wasn't singing along in the car. In church I would stand silently as I listened to the words of the songs. My mind knew I wanted to sing, but my heart was like an anchor, so heavy with hurt, that it held my spirit down from singing. I was totally broken.
Little by little God revived my heart, changed it from stone into soft clay. I starting singing children's songs with my kids to get them into singing along. "If I were a Kangaroo, I'd just hop right up to you, and If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I'd thank you Lord for my Fuzzy Wuzzy hair, and I just thank you father for making me- me" Then when I would listen to the worship songs I would sing softly so no one could hear me. I would give the words as worship to Jesus on facebook comments, but could not sing them.
At that time I was reading Exodus, and about how God saved Israel in such a mighty way. He redeemed them from their abuser. And in chapter 17 it talked about how Moses had to keep his arms raised so that his army could win the battle. As long as he kept his arms raised, and held the staff in his hands up God would grant them favor and they would win! I just kept thinking I want to win!
As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. Exodus 17:11
Now, I am not only free enough to sing in church and worship, I sing in my car, I sing everywhere, even when there is no music on. I am so very thankful for the victory over the damage that was caused, and how I can be made new each day if I just let Jesus love me!
Father God I thank you for being so sovereign and for always being there for us. I thank you for giving to us so much that we can accomplish anything! Lord I ask that you would grant us wisdom to see the things that need changing, and that you would give us the heart to change. Father show us how things can be different! I ask that we would be like Moses, and that we would stand with our arms raised toward you, ready to let you win the battle we are facing. I pray that we would be fully surrendered to your will, in all areas of our lives. Win the battle for us Lord God! I love you Lord, with all my heart! In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.